Today, you could have been 3 years old.
Since losing you, I’ve lost three others too. Four chances to know what a three year old could be like, what Motherhood might feel like. It seems as though you all slipped through my fingers faster than I could have imagined. As soon as I came round to the idea of what could be, you were gone.
People tell you that having children is hard and it changes you forever – but so does losing them.
I see Mothers writing letters to their children so they can read them back when they are older. The sentiment makes me smile but sadness comes when I know you won’t ever read yours. I pause constantly and wonder why I’m writing these words, but deep down I know it’s for those reading this that feel the same way too. Writing letters to the child you never got to meet, or hear breathe, carries a painful sting but I am still so thankful for you, whether you are here with me or not.
Since you, I know a pain of the greatest depths. A pain that can shudder my entire body with one single thought and can bring tears to my eyes without even blinking. I live with a lump wedged in my throat constantly ready to pounce and my eyes sensitive to things I would never have noticed before. I have cried more tears for you than anything else in my 32 years of life.
And I realise how lucky I am, to have had 32 years when you didn’t even get to have 1.
But with the darkness, comes the light and sometimes, the fog does clear.
This journey shows you many things – the people that care, the moments that matter and the times that are lighter shine like the sun through clouds. The moments I feel care free and can dance in the kitchen feel more magical than they ever did before. When I laugh and really mean it, I shock myself… and although it saddens me to feel this way, I appreciate happiness so much more.
So, whilst I don’t have you in a physical form.. I feel you. I feel you through the kindness I now give without reason, the compassion I feel for those around me and the love I feel when helping others. I feel you when I look at my puppy who would never be with me if it wasn’t for you, I feel you in those quiet moments when I drift to sleep and dream of you.
Even on the foggy days, I feel you, and even though those days are somewhat sad, I’d rather feel those than feel nothing at all.